Archive for the ‘Weird people’ Category

PuzzleHe (serious): Are you all set for this afternoon’s big meeting? I don’t have to tell you just how important it is that we pull this off.
Me (matter of fact): I think you just did.
He: I did what?
Me: Told me.
He (clearly lost or pretending to be): Are we talking about the same thing?
Me: I thought we were, but now it seems we’re not.
He (raised eyebrows): Huh?
Me: The subtle yet artful manipulation hiding behind your own words clearly escapes you.

How did he miss that?


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Clapping monkey with cymbalsWe have a temp in the office at the moment. A pretty young girl. She’s one of those women you want to (without meaning to) undress mentally and can imagine yourself getting naked with. (I am a guy… bear with me!)
It is very distracting and I have made a mental note to avoid her company as much as I possibly can.
I am however convinced that she has some kind of mental problem. She cannot finish a sentence without giggling or laughing like you had just told her a brilliant joke.
Every time I run into her and she does that I find myself thinking:

You were damn cute when I passed you in the corridor this morning. Why do you feel the need to open your mouth to speak to me? Please, just smile at me and let my imagination do the rest.

Being in a conversation with her is like being on the set of a sitcom, except there are no funny one-liners and no live studio audience. There is only the laughter track and for some reason it is out of sync with what is being said.
I know they say that laughter is the best medicine, but this is like being having an enema shoved up your backside. She is not spreading happiness. She is like that battery operated clapping monkey. Annoying! All the fake laughter makes it impossible for you to believe that anything she does in genuine and more importantly, it will totally spoil the effect when I eventually tell her one of my brilliant jokes.
Take yesterday afternoon.
“Can you get in touch with (inset name) at the research agency? I urgently need the results of the consumer placement tests that were done last month for tomorrow morning’s meeting. Please can you give it top priority?”
“I’ll get right on it”, she said with a smile. “Hahahahahah.”
“I am sure you will! Hahahahahah!” I chortled, while looking at her suspiciously. I struggled to see what was so “funny” about my request.
Isn’t it strange how a flaw in someone’s personality can totally distract from that person’s positive qualities? Damn!!

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Peanut GalleryHis heart’s pumping all right. I couldn’t tell any difference. ~Charlie Brown

On Saturday afternoon, I decided to take a walk to the grocery store about 5 blocks from where I live. I would normally make this journey by car, but I thought what the heck, the walk would do me good.
When was about halfway there, I passed a man mowing the lawn in his front garden.
“Afternoon”, he said to me as I drew level with him.
It is an odd way of greeting someone don’t you agree? Announcing that it is the afternoon. Throwing a random fact at a complete stranger. It is like he is the town crier or perhaps he just wanted to remind me what time of day it is, in case I had forgotten.
Thinking about it, it is probably better than saying, “Good afternoon”. Who knows what kind of day the person you are speaking to may be having? One person’s idea of “good” is another one’s “bad”.
Perhaps on my way back I’ll just say “Groceries” or later on tonight I’ll go back to his house, knock on his door, and when he answers I’ll just say “Evening,” or “Night” or “The JSE industrial shares are up by 1%”. We could start a whole new trend.
The idea of greeting someone with only a single word actually appeals to me. I suppose the only thing more appealing than “Afternoon” would be to say “Day”. One random syllable. That would be ultra economical.
It would confuse the fuck out of whomever you are talking to. They may even start a rumour and say something like; “You know [K] who lives down the street? He has a bright future as a public speaker. He’s always so economical with words… gets right to the point”
So I said, “Afternoon” and continued on my way. He nodded and carried on mowing.
That right there is what I call connecting with people.

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Bubble Boy - Jake GyllenhaalOn my way home from work last night, I made a quick stop at the grocery store to buy a few dairy products. It is all part of my new eat healthy/fitness regime. [You can stop giggling Katt.]
It was just after five and there weren’t many people around. Lucky me, or so I thought!
I had finished my shopping, and was choosing a check-out line. There were only two lines operating. In one of them, the person working the till was a good-looking girl. Not being the kind of guy to pass up an opportunity to flirt with a hot check-out girl (hubba-hubba), I wanted to hang back until she was free. Much to my dismay, I realised that the second line was empty. It seemed pointless not to make use of the opportunity for a quick exit.
Behind the till was a young man… and a very weird young man at that. Not only did he suffer from an acute case of blond highlights in his hair, both his eyebrows and his lower lip were pierced. Yikes! He must have felt me looking at him, because he looked up and gestured to me to come forward.
He started ringing through my groceries. When he grabbed hold of the six pack of Danone Activia yoghurt I had in my basket, the band-aid that was on his index finger came undone, and attached itself to one of the containers.
With a grunt, I pointed at the yogurt in his hand
“Ooh sorry!” he said nonchalantly. He daintily plucked the band-aid from the container and re-applied it to his hand. I was dumbstruck.
“What are you doing?” I asked, “Aren’t you going to replace that?” (I was referring to the yoghurt.)
“I just did” he said, and he held up his finger.
“I’m not referring to the band-aid. I’m referring to the yoghurt. Surely you don’t expect me to…”
I gave up. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up. My dark side had come out to play. I could already see where this conversation was going. There was a no way I was going to get through this without serving up a severe insult and making reference to a vast number of blood-borne infectious diseases that could be passed on by his band-aid. Most of all, I did not want to lose my cool in front of the check out girl.
“You know what?” I said, “I changed my mind. I just realised I have yoghurt at home. Please can you cancel the transaction on that particular item?”
He called one of the supervisors over and she reversed the transaction for him.
After he had rung up the rest of my groceries I headed out of there.
God knows what is going to happen to that particular six pack of Danone Activia. I pray that they disinfect it before putting it back on the shelf. I’m just happy they did not end up in my fridge.

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I’ve been tagged 5 times(!) in the past 3 months and have NOT taken up the challenge on any one of them. I apologise to all those ppl who actually thought I am good at this sort of thing. This makes me a bit of a spoil sport, don’t you think? So in order to redeem myself, I have decided to take up Andrea’s challenge to disclose 20 random things about myself and tagging as many ppl as the time (in minutes) it took me to complete this. In no particular order;

1. When I was in kindergarten, I slapped my teacher because she wanted to kiss me on my birthday.
2. I once got lost in a supermarket and screamed like a banshee until my mother came to find me.
3. I once hid in the girl’s change-room at school so I could see them getting undress.
4. My favourite drink is Vodka Martini.
5. I rode a camel when I visited the pyramids in Egypt and could not walk properly for a dull day afterwards.
6. I have never been hospitalized.
7. My mom’s entire ladies tea club saw me naked when I was 18. (Do NOT even ask! I mean it!)
8. I can drink an entire can of Coca Cola in less than 10 seconds.
9. I hate spinach.
10. I threw up all over date at my Matric dance.
11. I love my Playstation and have over 50 games.
12. I sang the solo in ‘Oliver Twist’ when I was in primary school .
13. I cannot stand to hear Celine Dion sing!
14. I worked behind the bar at a strip club to earn extra money when I was at university.
15. The first time I got drunk, I was 13 years old.
16. I once fell out of a tree and landed in a river and nearly drowned.
17. I was a prefect in high school. (How’s that one for you?)
18. I am a hyperactive adult.
19. I parachuted out of an aeroplane in my second year at university.
20. I have a killer smile.

My tags: (and no pressure guys)
Total waste (Revenge, mate. You threatened to send viruses to my home pc)
Buddess (Call it curiosity?)
IITQ ( I know you are going to hate doing this… all in good spirit)
Michelle (I want a few surpises!)
Moni (You are the latest person to stumble onto my blog)

Terri, Del, Lucy, Ekapa, KN, cec1del, Omid, PB… I am letting you off the hook (this time)

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