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Archive for the ‘Tongue-in-cheek’ Category

The goodbye guy

Good byeI’ve had an extremely frustrating week. Monday began on a really bad note, but it helped me get through the rest of the week. Who knew misplaced anger could be so therapeutic?
As my last work day (next Wednesday) draws near, I’m starting to get exceedingly irritated. For once the days don’t seem to move. It feels like I’m going around in circles. There’s not really been much time to reflect on what I’m leaving behind or what I’ve achieved in my time here. What with the endless stream of people popping in, wishing me well and expressing their disbelief at my leaving at this time of the year. I may have as well have set up office in a busy train station. The one thing I am certain of is that it’s the right time for me to move on and focus on my career.
I’m due to start my new job in the next day (cutting it close!) so I’m more focused on what lies ahead for me. Be that as it may, and as reluctant as I am to admit it, I am actually going to miss this place. Working here has had its ups and downs. For the most part people seemed to understand my my unusual, if not somewhat eccentric behaviour. The one thing I won’t miss is the insane deadlines and the hours spent toiling under my boss’s iron whip. [Screw you, you sadist!]
My colleagues have hinted that they would like to throw me a farewell party. I hope it is not one of those affairs where we snack on finger-snacks and where they hand over a small gift (I’d settle for an all-expenses paid holiday in the Maldives) and a farewell card. It seems so contrived.
I hinted that I would prefer going out to a pub lunch where we get drunk afterwards and where the girls can have their way with me, but I don’t think that will materialise. So much for drunk and debaucherous behaviour. I am all for staggering home at 3 am, clutching a half drunk bottle of champagne and leaving a trail of cigar smoke. Sigh… those were good old’ days!
Be still my inner juvenile delinquent! Stupidity does not look good on a grown man.

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Springbok Rugby EmblemGreen and gold fever has reached fever-pitch in South Africa. Yep, RWC- Ebola has reached epidemic proportions and it is near impossible not to be assaulted by wave after wave of unrelenting mass hysteria. The RWC 2007 final is here and you can try and run, but you won’t be able to hide from it.
I drove past two of the neighbourhood schools this morning and every school kid was dressed in green and gold (t-shirts, face paint, SA flags… the whole shebang!) in support of the Springbok Rugby team. From what I can gather schools (and businesses) throughout South Africa are doing the same. IT IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!!
A lot of people are bandwagon fans of a sports team. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, other than that it can be a little annoying when a random stranger starts talking about rugby when it is clear they do not know the first thing about the sport.
To these people I say, become a bandwagon hater. We all despise the English rugby team right now, so just follow the trend and hate them too. I find myself taking jibes at Johnny Wilkinson for no reason at all, other than he kicked his team into the final.
I don’t know if bandwagon hating is just as bad as (or if it is even the same thing) bandwagoning itself, but it’s a lot easier to hate things for no reason than to like them and to have to draw on 20 hours of SuperSport programming to back up your reasoning.

SA rugby fan
(shamelessly borrowed from Del’s blog)

Update: Seems were aren’t the only ones that have gone completely bonkers over tomorrow’s final. Read this.

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Money treeI resigned from my job today (again… hehe). One of the companies I interviewed for a couple of weeks back came through with an offer that was too good to pass up. I start my new job on the 1st of November.
When I handed my boss my letter of resignation, he questioned my decision to leave (as he is entitled to, I suppose) and asked if I am sure that this is what I wanted to do.
When I said yes, he remarked that everyone has a price.
While I realise that more money is not the only reason why I’m leaving, I have to admit that it played a considerable role in the decision making process. There were other things such as job satisfaction, my ambition, career prospects and my sense of self-worth to consider, but I probably would not have made this decision for less money.
Everyone has a price. This kind of thinking leaves me cold and filled with dread to some degree. On the one side it says you are jaded and cynical and basically have no faith in humanity, while on the other you might argue that you are just being realistic and recognising that “the love of money”, as the saying goes, “is the root of all evil”.
Some people claim they would do anything for money. Like the movie Indecent Proposal would you sleep with someone for a million dollars? What other crazy things would you be willing to do if you were paid enough? Would you sleep with the boss for that job promotion? Would you mooch off of your rich friends. Would you evict a poor tenant who cannot pay? Pollute a community? Cheat on your taxes?
You are prolly shaking your head right now and saying, “I wouldn’t do any of these things… not for any amount of money”. But what if your circumstances were so dire and so desperate that you really can’t see a way out them? Why do people sell out on their moral beliefs? Is it because they believe that money can buy happiness, or is it more likely because people think that money can buy security? Or at least give the false impression of security.
Rarely are the circumstances as straight forward as when you ask a straight guy, “Would you French kiss another dude for a million dollars?” is it? Without hesitation 99% of the guys asked would say no. But how different is this situation really from the hot girl at the church fair who charges two quid for a kiss on the mouth? “Ahh”, you say, “but it is for a good cause. It is for charity”. But then you could also argue that you are your own charity. Or is it ok because she kisses members of the opposite sex, despite the fact that many of the men she kisses are married?
Just for the record (and please, do not over-analyse this!), show me a briefcase with a million in cash and I’ll be the “pretend fag” with the bottle of Listerine Mouthwash and a packet of Wrigley’s gum. I am confident enough in my own skin to know that one kiss does not make you a gay man. Let’s talk again when I walk away with the million, and when no one remembers what I did a month from now.
I guess the real question (imho) you need to ask yourself is whether you will be able to live with yourself (and the consequences) knowing what you had to do to earn the cash. Perhaps my view is too simplistic and I am not really thinking about this clearly and rationally.
Some things are morally inexcusable and regardless of which way you slice it, no amount of money could make what you did seem right. For other things it is truly up to the individual and what direction you moral compass points to.
Do I have a price? In as much as I would like to believe that I don’t, I guess I do. It all depends on the situation, where I draw that line in the sand and what the mental impact of my actions will have on my life and the lives of others.
Do you have a price… or don’t you?

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Bros hanging outGrowing up, every guy out there has heard about or practiced The Bros before Hos rule. It is only the number 1 rule in The Guy Rulebook!
It actually sounds worse than it is. Especially the “Ho” part. Tee-hee!
The rule doesn’t advise spending every second with the guys without a thought for your girlfriend… it’s about maintaining balance.
However, as you grow older and settle into a relationship it gets harder to enforce this rule, especially when the opposition in many cases is the one who can and will withhold sex.
It is easy to push aside the guys who were there when you were single as you embark on a new and exciting relationship, but it is also wrong.
I am not talking of totally neglecting your girl in favour of your friends or asking her to play second fiddle to them. Who would want to? Especially since she plays the (your?) fiddle so well, if you know what I mean.
No, I am talking about becoming so consumed by your new flame (relationship) that all your time is spent with her (and her friends) and your calendar is booked weeks in advance with shared plans. When your personality and individuality wanes and you start referring to yourself in terms of “we”.
You have no time for your friends and when they make plans to hang out with you, it becomes a case of “Sorry dudes, I have to check with there gf if we have anything on the weekend” or “Dude, I know we’re supposed to watch the game tonight, but she really wants to go look at new wallpaper for the bathroom.” Gah!
Why am I bringing this up? Well as you know, we are in the midst of the Rugby World Cup. (I won’t even mention the Twenty20 Cricket World Cup).
In South Africa, being the rugby nation that it is, this means less time spent with [S] and more time spent in front of the telly or the local sport’s bar with the mates.
It puts an enormous strain on the relationship and I constantly find myself defending myself for not “spending enough time with her”. To avoid this fate, I try and ensure that I have enough one-on-one time with her. I re-arrange my schedule and make time for her when the teams I support are not playing. That way I am able to keep my appointments with bros and with [S].
It is a battle getting the extra time from your girl, but it’s worth it. It is not about attending all the crazy nights out. The real depth of friendship comes from a beer and game of pool or watching a game with the mates.
If you start canceling plans, you’ll quickly find that there’s never a good time to hang out. Sometimes a girl will want to monopolize all your time and attention. Other times, she’ll want to split the last bond to the single life… your bros. What gives, I say? If you made plans with the guys, you have to stick to them, reminding her that the two of you can do things together the next day or the day after.
Life with a girlfriend and no guys would be a sad existence. So would plenty of bros, but no woman. There’s room for both. Deep down, you should remember one truth: It’s more likely your bros will help you when she breaks your heart, than her helping you when all your friends take off.
And open and honest relationship can only exist when there is compromise and when people in it are allowed to retain some individuality and independence.
[Note: BIG game tonight. South Africa vs England. Time to make us some potpourri!]

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Why is it that women have such odd criteria when it comes to deciding whether a man is a good match for them or not? It is not only that they are odd (irrelevant?), I can for the life of me not figure out what they are getting at.
Take my friend Jeannette for instance. Against my better judgment, and strict policy of not getting involved in my friends’ personal lives, I’ve been trying to set her up on a date with a guy I know. The Lord knows she needs help in that department. She’s always complaining about her difficult it is to find a good man, how limited her options are and how the good ones are either taken or gay.
Playing cupid is not exactly something I am good at, but I figured the girl needed help. And it just so happened that I know someone who is available. (Am I a good mate or what?!)
Sooo…. we are having a drink, and I’m laying down a major sales pitch by telling her what good qualities he has, what he looks like, what he does, etc. It is at this point that she interrupts me and asks if he can dance. What this had to do with the guy’s eligibility/sexual prowess/all-round decency was beyond me, but as she put it:

“Ooh, [K], I just love me a man who can dance”

My WTF needle went off the chart and my brain came to temporary standstill.
It is a fact of life, isn’t it? Women love men who can dance. That’s been true since the beginning of time. Those brave fellas who are willing to go out on the dance floor will win the affection of female onlookers. And you don’t have to be any good. Too good says you are as gay as a pink lizard. You can go out to the centre of the floor and do your best impression of a gyrating cow having an epileptic fit and some girl will be telling her girlfriends, “I think he’s kinda cute. Just look at the way he stomps about and drools all over himself.” That’s dancing for you.
I fail to see the connection between dancing and eligibility. Michael Jackson can dance. George Michael can dance. But surely no woman in her right mind would want to date one of them. Would she?
Perhaps women just like to see how willing men are to humiliate themselves in order to get laid. Show me a man who dances well, and I will show you a man who will be manipulated for the rest of his life.
So what is it with women and guys who can dance? Really. I need to know.
(In case you are wondering … I can “dance”. But only after the 4th shot of Tequila. I am so much sexier on the dance floor when it looks like I’m floating on a cloud.)

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Sensitive manI was in the breakroom yesterday when two girls walked in. The one seemed unusually distraught, and from what I can gather had had a major fallout with her boyfriend.
“He can be such an oaf. I wish he was more sensitive to my needs”, I heard her whine as they went about making coffee.
That was my cue to get out of there, just in case they expected me to say something on the subject. If there is one thing I am not an expert on, it is this whole “sensitive man” thing. I’ve had this conversation with my girlfriend before and even then I could not make heads or tails of it. God forbid someone else asks me for an unbiased opinion!
If a man ever stopped to ask his woman about the one thing she wants more of in their relationship, chances are it’s that he is more sensitive. It is a fact. Women are happy as long as their men are sensitive. Many women want the kind of man that can shed a tear (cringe) at the conclusion a romantic movie. Some women may actually find it downright sexy.
Fair enough, but how much blatant girliness/sensitivity can a man get away with before others start thinking of him as a prancing, show tune-singing nancy boy? If being nicer means and doing more of the little things make her happy, then by all means do so. But just how far should he take it? It’s human nature to always want more of a good thing, and in doing so, risk complete and utter saturation.
The real problem, as I see it, is not that men aren’t sensitive. We are. Our concept of sensitivity is just different to that of women. Men prefer to discuss the sensitive issues of the Rugby World Cup, the premier football league, work, cars, fishing, diy, money, and hot naked girls. We are sensitive in a lot of other places too, but that is not the point.
Women prefer men who care about women’s issues, who can cook, dance, discuss their feelings, cry, practice yoga, shop, and quote dialogue from the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, etc?
When a woman says she has a head-ache and does not want to get naked with you, it may be a good thing to try and understand what she means by it. The secret to any healthy relationship (I think) is moving down the learning curve of discovery and new things that keeps it alive. Even when there is a chance what you discover, may not pleasant. Discovery is as important as remembering your anniversary and we all know how important that is.
Bear in mind that no matter how much your girlfriend may want you to open up and share your true emotions, the key is to tread lightly and with caution. Opening up and sharing too much may just cost you the girlfriend. No need to tell her that you like dressing up in her underwear when she is not around. No sirree!
As important as sensitivity may be to a women, she still wants a man who can take charge, take care of business and do so with authority. A decisive man gets things done, but he has to do so with a caring heart.
So how exactly does the modern man become more sensitive and apply just enough of it and still remain a man?
I don’t know. I play it by ear and normally just hope for the best. It is a jungle out there. I reckon that as long as you don’t stray too far and can still see the path, there is hope yet.
Be too sensitive and you may as well be the nice guy who is a friend” or a butch lesbian.

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cross the lineI have a workmate who’s always complaining about not being able to get the girl, even though he does everything right. The answer to his problem is actually not hard to find.
He is a nice guyand the nice guy in my experience, always gets the shaft.
In most cases, being nice usually means that a guy is insecure in one way or another. Confidence speaks to a woman’s biology. It speaks of finding a mate who can handle himself and who can protect her and the nest. It speaks to his manliness.
“Nice guy” does not say any of that. It says you are an equal at best. Women look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion. One whom they can tell their sad stories to and complain about their boyfriend. In the long run the nice guy may actually be the one to bet on, but then even bad boys mellow out with age. And if there is one thing bad boys aren’t short of, it is confidence in themselves and their abilities.
One only needs to do a bit of channel surfing and tune into one of the many dating shows on TV to see this phenomenon in action. The girls will without fail eliminate the shy, nice guy before they get rid of the bad boy.
There’s always one bad boy amongst the four/three guys competing for the girl’s favour who is a total jerk, isn’t there?  A guy we’ve all seen and who should be avoided like herpes on a hooker in Amsterdam. It’s like watching a train wreck unfold before your eyes, only it is much more fun to watch.
He may not always get the girl, but he is not the guy who gets booted off after the first round, which means he is in there with a chance. Even when he is a loutish yob, at least he succeeds in letting the woman knows that he is interested in nailing her.
When you are a guy who somehow failed to allay the girl’s reservations about being a good mate and how badly you want to hide your salami in her hooha, you should leave. It is a deadly sin and a complete “failure to launch”.
The girl’s probably thinking, “Perhaps the bad boy will trip and fall on his head before we go on the sponsored getaway, and maybe he will start to behave like a normal human being”.
Either way, she is in for an exciting adventure. And if it does not work out, well, she can chalk it up to experience.
The poor, shy, nice guy? There is no hope for him. 
I am not saying one needs to be a bad boy to get a woman interested. But if you want to get it right and make it across that finish line, create some sense of attraction, ambiguity or indifference, all of which will get a woman’s attention. Be a man, not manhandled. Nice guys don’t always know how to do that and those that do, need to flaunt it more.

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