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Archive for the ‘Colleagues’ Category

Jack Bauer Henry VIII

He: Hey… The Tudors are starting on Mnet tonight in place of 24.
Me: So I’ve heard. Could be interesting to watch.
He: I dunno. Action vs drama. Jack Bauer tortured and killed at least 7 people per episode. Henry VIII only killed his 6 wives.
Me: That is actually not true. Of the six wives… 2 were divorced, 2 were beheaded, one died after childbirth and 1 survived. You could actually learn something from watching the series.
He (unfazed): I might. Seems a bit of a downer to me.
Me: The many intricacies of your 22 year old psyche intrigue me.
He: I miss Jack already.
Me: And so you would.

(That settles it. I’m taking him with me.)

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Clapping monkey with cymbalsWe have a temp in the office at the moment. A pretty young girl. She’s one of those women you want to (without meaning to) undress mentally and can imagine yourself getting naked with. (I am a guy… bear with me!)
It is very distracting and I have made a mental note to avoid her company as much as I possibly can.
I am however convinced that she has some kind of mental problem. She cannot finish a sentence without giggling or laughing like you had just told her a brilliant joke.
Every time I run into her and she does that I find myself thinking:

You were damn cute when I passed you in the corridor this morning. Why do you feel the need to open your mouth to speak to me? Please, just smile at me and let my imagination do the rest.

Being in a conversation with her is like being on the set of a sitcom, except there are no funny one-liners and no live studio audience. There is only the laughter track and for some reason it is out of sync with what is being said.
I know they say that laughter is the best medicine, but this is like being having an enema shoved up your backside. She is not spreading happiness. She is like that battery operated clapping monkey. Annoying! All the fake laughter makes it impossible for you to believe that anything she does in genuine and more importantly, it will totally spoil the effect when I eventually tell her one of my brilliant jokes.
Take yesterday afternoon.
“Can you get in touch with (inset name) at the research agency? I urgently need the results of the consumer placement tests that were done last month for tomorrow morning’s meeting. Please can you give it top priority?”
“I’ll get right on it”, she said with a smile. “Hahahahahah.”
“I am sure you will! Hahahahahah!” I chortled, while looking at her suspiciously. I struggled to see what was so “funny” about my request.
Isn’t it strange how a flaw in someone’s personality can totally distract from that person’s positive qualities? Damn!!

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HidingDuring our lunch break yesterday, a close colleague and I went to the mall to get something to eat. WE stopped of at one of those fast-food joints that has a take-away section, but also has a sit-down area where you can eat your food, should you feel like it.
We were almost at the front of the queue, when he unexpectedly freaked out.

HE (covering the one side of his face): Oh shit… oh shit… oh shit!!
ME (alarmed): What’s the matter? Did we forget something?
HE: That girl sitting over there. I don’t want her to see me.
ME (doing some serious rubbernecking): Which one? Where?
HE: The blond sitting over there in the corner… with the red blouse on.
ME: I see her. How do you know her?
HE: I kinda tried to pick her up in a bar last week. Things went really well, she gave me her phone number and I promised to call.
ME: So what’s the problem?
HE: I never called.
ME (smiling): Why not? She‘s really hot.
HE: Uh, yeah… there’s a slight problem. I already have a girlfriend.
ME (amused): Ouch! I forgot about that. You should’ve just told her the truth.
HE: I know that now. (Insert gf’s name) had a major fallout earlier that week. I truly believed we were over. I was feeling kinda low and I enjoyed the attention. It’s nice to be desired. The next day (insert name of gf) and I sorted things out. Calling back seemed wrong. What would I have said to her?
ME: Erm… “I had good time last night, but I am not ready to get involved”
HE: Wise ass! I know… I’ll put my glasses on so she won’t recognise me.
[He puts the glasses on]
ME: So… what… you’re like Clark Kent now?
HE (anxious): Shut up and walk. Let’s just get out of here.
ME (disappointed): But what about the food? I am friggin hungry, dammit!
HE: I’ll stick you for a proper lunch tomorrow.
Me (giggling): Dude, you are seriously messed up. I was so looking forward to seeing you squirm.
Can I use this to blackmail you next time I need a favour?

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I work with aliens

Overheard in the tea-room
Guy 1: I couldn’t make it to this morning’s status meeting. Did I miss anything important?
Guy 2: Nah, you didn’t miss much. Every time someone said something, it was like in one brain and out the other.

Gives new meaning to the term schizophrenic, don’t you agree?

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Hangman’s nooseMy arch-nemesis, Salem, walked into my office this afternoon with that smug “I know something you don’t” look on his face.

HE: Hey, [K], the boss is looking for you. Methinks he has something important to discuss with you.
[“And wouldn’t you like to know?” I almost said]
ME (annoyed): Dude, seriously, what’s up with the “methinks”?
HE: Nothing. It is just the way I talk sometimes.
ME: The way you talk? Let me tell you something… no-one talks that way.
HE (surprised): They don’t?
ME:
People do not regularly use the word “methinks” when theyspeaks English today. It is fucking pretentious. Last time mechecked, we weren’t living in Elizabethan England. If youthinks it sounds intellectual, then methinks you should go back to school and learn how to conjugate your verbs.
HE (mock sarcasm): Ooh… Cranky, aren’t we?
ME: Yes, we are, Your Royal Highness. We also have an uncontrolled desire to tell thee to stick thine finger up thine arse.

Sigh… I give up! Rope… where is my fucking rope?!

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TeacupToday started off really good. When I walked into my office this morning, I had a spring in my step and a song in my heart. Aah… to be young and carefreee!
That was until I realised that a colleague of mine (call him Salem) had purposely NOT invited me to a key senior manager’s meeting.
Now normally I’d consider not being invited a bonus. Meetings are a drag and the less I have to attend the better off I am. The problem with this meeting is that it probably the most important meeting of the first quarter of the year. It is the kind of meeting where you can make your career.
How do I know he did it on purpose? Well, our boss retires at the end of this year. It has been made clear to both Salem and me that one of us will be appointed as his successor.  Needless to say there’s a fair bit of jockeying and friendly rivalry going on. We are each trying to position ourselves as the guy who can take over from him.
I have no doubt that he, as I am, is doing his bit of campaigning behind the scenes. No harm done, a bit of competition is always good. May the best man win and all that shit.
Provided of course that it stays within reasonable limits.
Not inviting me to this meeting was a brilliant strategy, albeit a devious way of kicking me in the corporate nuts. (Damn! I wish had thought of it first) Not only is this an opportunity for him to shine, but my absence will undoubtedly cast a shadow on my eligibility. I can complain afterwards and kick up a fuss, but the fact of the matter is, he was there and I was not. Bastard!
That great political philosopher, musician and poet Niccolò Machiavalli, prescribed a generous dose of DEATH when dealing with one’s enemies. He recognized that throughout history successful leaders eliminated their enemies by killing them dead. [Is there any other way to kill, other than dead?)
You do not exile your enemies nor do you negotiate with them. You do not throw them in prison or yell at them in a very mean way. You take them outside and chop their silly little heads off.
There are many stories of enemies who, when allowed to live, came back and caused a whole lot of distress.
It’s the not-so-nice part of ongoing success. But if you want to make it to the top and outlast your peers, you’d best keep a few sharp knives in your drawer. Very sharp knives. Like Nikkei or something similar.
“So bring it on Salem!” The game is on and we have just made it to the next level. I don’t care if I lose. I just don’t want him to win.
A world without idiots is what I’m fighting for. It’s a marathon, not a sprint and I’m doing it one idiot at a time. To infinity and beyond! (Oops… that’ll be Buzz Lightyear)
Oh yeah, and if I do get that promotion, that’ll be nice too.

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Office comedy

Office flirtShe (coffee mug in hand): There’s something different about you today…
Me (confused): There is?
She: I know… you cut your hair!
Me: No, I did not.
She: Are you sure?
Me: WTF?? Seriously… I think I would know.
Silence
Me (serious): You like me don’t you?
She: No, I don’t.
Me: Are you sure?
She: Seriously… I think I would know.
Me (giggles and chants): You like me, you like me…
She (horrified): You are full of shit, [K]!

Sometimes it is all too easy!

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