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Archive for the ‘Office’ Category

Jack Bauer Henry VIII

He: Hey… The Tudors are starting on Mnet tonight in place of 24.
Me: So I’ve heard. Could be interesting to watch.
He: I dunno. Action vs drama. Jack Bauer tortured and killed at least 7 people per episode. Henry VIII only killed his 6 wives.
Me: That is actually not true. Of the six wives… 2 were divorced, 2 were beheaded, one died after childbirth and 1 survived. You could actually learn something from watching the series.
He (unfazed): I might. Seems a bit of a downer to me.
Me: The many intricacies of your 22 year old psyche intrigue me.
He: I miss Jack already.
Me: And so you would.

(That settles it. I’m taking him with me.)

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The goodbye guy

Good byeI’ve had an extremely frustrating week. Monday began on a really bad note, but it helped me get through the rest of the week. Who knew misplaced anger could be so therapeutic?
As my last work day (next Wednesday) draws near, I’m starting to get exceedingly irritated. For once the days don’t seem to move. It feels like I’m going around in circles. There’s not really been much time to reflect on what I’m leaving behind or what I’ve achieved in my time here. What with the endless stream of people popping in, wishing me well and expressing their disbelief at my leaving at this time of the year. I may have as well have set up office in a busy train station. The one thing I am certain of is that it’s the right time for me to move on and focus on my career.
I’m due to start my new job in the next day (cutting it close!) so I’m more focused on what lies ahead for me. Be that as it may, and as reluctant as I am to admit it, I am actually going to miss this place. Working here has had its ups and downs. For the most part people seemed to understand my my unusual, if not somewhat eccentric behaviour. The one thing I won’t miss is the insane deadlines and the hours spent toiling under my boss’s iron whip. [Screw you, you sadist!]
My colleagues have hinted that they would like to throw me a farewell party. I hope it is not one of those affairs where we snack on finger-snacks and where they hand over a small gift (I’d settle for an all-expenses paid holiday in the Maldives) and a farewell card. It seems so contrived.
I hinted that I would prefer going out to a pub lunch where we get drunk afterwards and where the girls can have their way with me, but I don’t think that will materialise. So much for drunk and debaucherous behaviour. I am all for staggering home at 3 am, clutching a half drunk bottle of champagne and leaving a trail of cigar smoke. Sigh… those were good old’ days!
Be still my inner juvenile delinquent! Stupidity does not look good on a grown man.

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Money treeI resigned from my job today (again… hehe). One of the companies I interviewed for a couple of weeks back came through with an offer that was too good to pass up. I start my new job on the 1st of November.
When I handed my boss my letter of resignation, he questioned my decision to leave (as he is entitled to, I suppose) and asked if I am sure that this is what I wanted to do.
When I said yes, he remarked that everyone has a price.
While I realise that more money is not the only reason why I’m leaving, I have to admit that it played a considerable role in the decision making process. There were other things such as job satisfaction, my ambition, career prospects and my sense of self-worth to consider, but I probably would not have made this decision for less money.
Everyone has a price. This kind of thinking leaves me cold and filled with dread to some degree. On the one side it says you are jaded and cynical and basically have no faith in humanity, while on the other you might argue that you are just being realistic and recognising that “the love of money”, as the saying goes, “is the root of all evil”.
Some people claim they would do anything for money. Like the movie Indecent Proposal would you sleep with someone for a million dollars? What other crazy things would you be willing to do if you were paid enough? Would you sleep with the boss for that job promotion? Would you mooch off of your rich friends. Would you evict a poor tenant who cannot pay? Pollute a community? Cheat on your taxes?
You are prolly shaking your head right now and saying, “I wouldn’t do any of these things… not for any amount of money”. But what if your circumstances were so dire and so desperate that you really can’t see a way out them? Why do people sell out on their moral beliefs? Is it because they believe that money can buy happiness, or is it more likely because people think that money can buy security? Or at least give the false impression of security.
Rarely are the circumstances as straight forward as when you ask a straight guy, “Would you French kiss another dude for a million dollars?” is it? Without hesitation 99% of the guys asked would say no. But how different is this situation really from the hot girl at the church fair who charges two quid for a kiss on the mouth? “Ahh”, you say, “but it is for a good cause. It is for charity”. But then you could also argue that you are your own charity. Or is it ok because she kisses members of the opposite sex, despite the fact that many of the men she kisses are married?
Just for the record (and please, do not over-analyse this!), show me a briefcase with a million in cash and I’ll be the “pretend fag” with the bottle of Listerine Mouthwash and a packet of Wrigley’s gum. I am confident enough in my own skin to know that one kiss does not make you a gay man. Let’s talk again when I walk away with the million, and when no one remembers what I did a month from now.
I guess the real question (imho) you need to ask yourself is whether you will be able to live with yourself (and the consequences) knowing what you had to do to earn the cash. Perhaps my view is too simplistic and I am not really thinking about this clearly and rationally.
Some things are morally inexcusable and regardless of which way you slice it, no amount of money could make what you did seem right. For other things it is truly up to the individual and what direction you moral compass points to.
Do I have a price? In as much as I would like to believe that I don’t, I guess I do. It all depends on the situation, where I draw that line in the sand and what the mental impact of my actions will have on my life and the lives of others.
Do you have a price… or don’t you?

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PuzzleHe (serious): Are you all set for this afternoon’s big meeting? I don’t have to tell you just how important it is that we pull this off.
Me (matter of fact): I think you just did.
He: I did what?
Me: Told me.
He (clearly lost or pretending to be): Are we talking about the same thing?
Me: I thought we were, but now it seems we’re not.
He (raised eyebrows): Huh?
Me: The subtle yet artful manipulation hiding behind your own words clearly escapes you.

How did he miss that?

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Clapping monkey with cymbalsWe have a temp in the office at the moment. A pretty young girl. She’s one of those women you want to (without meaning to) undress mentally and can imagine yourself getting naked with. (I am a guy… bear with me!)
It is very distracting and I have made a mental note to avoid her company as much as I possibly can.
I am however convinced that she has some kind of mental problem. She cannot finish a sentence without giggling or laughing like you had just told her a brilliant joke.
Every time I run into her and she does that I find myself thinking:

You were damn cute when I passed you in the corridor this morning. Why do you feel the need to open your mouth to speak to me? Please, just smile at me and let my imagination do the rest.

Being in a conversation with her is like being on the set of a sitcom, except there are no funny one-liners and no live studio audience. There is only the laughter track and for some reason it is out of sync with what is being said.
I know they say that laughter is the best medicine, but this is like being having an enema shoved up your backside. She is not spreading happiness. She is like that battery operated clapping monkey. Annoying! All the fake laughter makes it impossible for you to believe that anything she does in genuine and more importantly, it will totally spoil the effect when I eventually tell her one of my brilliant jokes.
Take yesterday afternoon.
“Can you get in touch with (inset name) at the research agency? I urgently need the results of the consumer placement tests that were done last month for tomorrow morning’s meeting. Please can you give it top priority?”
“I’ll get right on it”, she said with a smile. “Hahahahahah.”
“I am sure you will! Hahahahahah!” I chortled, while looking at her suspiciously. I struggled to see what was so “funny” about my request.
Isn’t it strange how a flaw in someone’s personality can totally distract from that person’s positive qualities? Damn!!

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HidingDuring our lunch break yesterday, a close colleague and I went to the mall to get something to eat. WE stopped of at one of those fast-food joints that has a take-away section, but also has a sit-down area where you can eat your food, should you feel like it.
We were almost at the front of the queue, when he unexpectedly freaked out.

HE (covering the one side of his face): Oh shit… oh shit… oh shit!!
ME (alarmed): What’s the matter? Did we forget something?
HE: That girl sitting over there. I don’t want her to see me.
ME (doing some serious rubbernecking): Which one? Where?
HE: The blond sitting over there in the corner… with the red blouse on.
ME: I see her. How do you know her?
HE: I kinda tried to pick her up in a bar last week. Things went really well, she gave me her phone number and I promised to call.
ME: So what’s the problem?
HE: I never called.
ME (smiling): Why not? She‘s really hot.
HE: Uh, yeah… there’s a slight problem. I already have a girlfriend.
ME (amused): Ouch! I forgot about that. You should’ve just told her the truth.
HE: I know that now. (Insert gf’s name) had a major fallout earlier that week. I truly believed we were over. I was feeling kinda low and I enjoyed the attention. It’s nice to be desired. The next day (insert name of gf) and I sorted things out. Calling back seemed wrong. What would I have said to her?
ME: Erm… “I had good time last night, but I am not ready to get involved”
HE: Wise ass! I know… I’ll put my glasses on so she won’t recognise me.
[He puts the glasses on]
ME: So… what… you’re like Clark Kent now?
HE (anxious): Shut up and walk. Let’s just get out of here.
ME (disappointed): But what about the food? I am friggin hungry, dammit!
HE: I’ll stick you for a proper lunch tomorrow.
Me (giggling): Dude, you are seriously messed up. I was so looking forward to seeing you squirm.
Can I use this to blackmail you next time I need a favour?

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I work with aliens

Overheard in the tea-room
Guy 1: I couldn’t make it to this morning’s status meeting. Did I miss anything important?
Guy 2: Nah, you didn’t miss much. Every time someone said something, it was like in one brain and out the other.

Gives new meaning to the term schizophrenic, don’t you agree?

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