I abhor the news titles that scream at you from the cover of magazines. This is why I try and avoid magazine stands in supermarkets and do not read publications like You, Heat, People Magazine, FHM, etc.
Catchy one-liners that appeal to your curiosity, insecurities and your overactive imagination. All designed to make you want buy the magazine right there and then. Things like:
*20 sex secrets she’d like you to know but will never reveal
*Her hottest sex spots revealed
*Build rock hard abs that will make the girls swoon – see results in seven weeks
I said I try and avoid, but even I am a sucker for a good, clever headline. If these don’t make you sit up and think, “I have to have this magazine!”, then is very little else that will. Consider yourself immune to the temptations that plague us normal folk. Savour your divinity and relocate to that place in the sky right now. There is a halo with your name written all over it.
I picked up a magazine last night while waiting for a business acquaintance in a hotel lobby. It was an old copy, but it was a good way to pass the time.
The cover page hinted at an article…
More sex than you can handle
I am a single guy. Sex interests me… all the time. Admittedly, I am not available, but that does not mean I am not interested in finding ways to up my quota. One never knows when something you’ve read may come in handy. She could kick me in the nuts tomorrow and when that happens, I want to be prepared. Call it forward planning or call it “being a guy”. Either way you get the drift. More sex can only be a good thing. “More sex than you can handle”… that right there is when you hit the friggin jackpot.
I fumbled through the pages, got to the article in question and began reading. Boy was I wrong in my assumptions!
According to the article the state of the ultimate sexual nirvana can be attained in three easy steps
Step 1: Deny yourself – that’s right, folks… deny yourself and your partner intercourse for a few weeks and you will experince more pleasure and perform better sexually than you ever thought possible. [What was the title again?]
Step 2: Talk it up – Make time to schedule sex. Communicate your likes and dislikes, How you like to be touched by your partner. Exercise and train your muscles and identify the physical sensations you desire. Practice Kegel exercises. [Huh? You mean I have to work out?]
Step 3: Have more fun – watch porn, use lubricants and other aids, slow things down and keep it simple. [I can see this working, but how does this translate into to more sex than you can handle?]
Now I may be a complete arse when it comes to certain things, but when I read the phrase “more sex”, it can mean only one thing to me. F-r-e-q-u-e-n-c-y. An increase in frequency, to be more precise.
I conjured up images of sleeping with a different woman every night, of threesomes, foursomes… hell, orgies. More sex meant my penis was going to become the most used muscle in my body. I thought I was on my way to becoming the first man ever to suffer from penile muscle fatigue.
These 3 steps can definately make sex hotter, longer and better. It was about getting more out of sex as opposed to getting more sex.
Talk about a twist in the plot. This mag should be adapted for the big screen. It made me assume one thing that turned out not to be true later on. Yet another 10 minutes of me time down the proverbial drain.
Didn’t see that twist coming, did you, Chitty? Nope, not in a million years!
And so isn’t amazing that I just read this on IOL?
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?from=rss_News&set_id=1&click_id=79&art_id=iol1173433837767T223
The sex stuff women keep secret
March 09 2007 at 11:51AM
“I used to sleep around.”
Jenni, 27, arts marketer, married for one year
# Loves middle-of-the-night sex with her husband
# Prefers to be on top
# Never travels without her Pocket Rocket vibrator
# Sleeps in Superman underwear
“I used to worry that I wasn’t sexy or desirable enough, and as a result, I constantly sought attention and approval from men. I cheated on every one of my boyfriends. Fortunately, I grew up and learned to love myself, and that made it possible for me to fall in love with my husband, Doug – the first guy who saw through my sexpot act. He encourages me to be myself, in and out of bed, and seems to take so much pleasure from my pleasure that I now have real sexual confidence.”
“I fell for my best friend when I was 17.”
Kiki, 29, life coach, single and dating
# Always makes the first move with women she likes
# Uses text messaging as foreplay in public places
# Has never had a drunken hookup – she’s a teetotaller
# Has had sex in a taxi and on a Ferris wheel
“The first time I had sex with a guy, I was completely unimpressed. I thought, “?Is this what everyone is hyping up?’ But since that is true about a lot of women’s first experiences, I wasn’t convinced I might be gay. That didn’t happen until I fell for my best friend when I was 17. I love that I’m able to challenge people’s assumptions about what being a lesbian is. Because if I’m gay, then their co-worker or the person next to them at the gym or their friend could be gay, too.”
“At first, my boyfriend was embarrassed to hear my stories.”
Chiara, 28, writer, in a one-year relationship
# Has been known to put on her old cheerleader outfit to spice things up in the bedroom
# Is obsessive about maintaining her Brazilian wax
# Reads steamy stories to her boyfriend
# Is attracted to type A personalities
“Growing up I was taught that men only want to marry good girls, so I was quick to say “?Eew!’ to anything sex related. Then I signed up for a class on writing erotica, which really opened my mind. At first, my boyfriend was embarrassed to hear my stories. But he came around! Couples that last are the ones who can explore things within their relationship, so there’s no need to go looking for them elsewhere.”
“My boyfriend and I have an open relationship.”
Carrie, 27, designer, in a six-year relationship
# Broke the futon the first time she slept with her boyfriend
# Fantasises about Matthew McConaughey
# Doesn’t believe in monogamy
# Once kicked a guy out of bed for not having a condom
“When I first brought up the possibility of an open relationship with my boyfriend, he was against the idea. But eventually he decided that as long as we were discreet, honest and respectful, there was no reason not to give it a try. Five years on, it’s still working out great. I tend to have longer side relationships; he meets people through friends or out at bars and has more short-term flings. Being allowed these exploits actually makes us more dedicated to each other.”
“Now I love my body and I’ve learned not to worry about it in bed.”
Lori, 33, manager, in a 10-month relationship
# Used to overcompensate for her body insecurities by being aggressive in bed
# Now thinks “plain, simple” sex is the best sex
# Bans her cat from the bedroom when she’s fooling around
# Has a thing for outdoor quickies on hiking trails
“A few years ago, I was stuck in a relationship where the sexual chemistry was practically non-existent. The lack of spark made me feel unattractive, inadequate and so insecure about my body that we eventually stopped having sex altogether. Naturally, we broke up soon after that. A few months after we called it quits, a friend phoned me and suggested that I join her for a getaway to a retreat in America. Turned out clothing was optional! Eventually, I went naked myself. I realised that focusing on my imagined flaws – like my too-big butt – was a waste of time. Now I love my body and learned not to worry about it in bed!”
“Believe me, I’ve tried to orgasm – on my own and with partners.”
Emily, 21, student and tutor, single and dating
# Has never had an orgasm
# Loves trashy romance novels
# Says random things during sex, like “I want ice cream!”
# Spent two years of high school secretly dating a guy 10 years older than her
“Believe me, I’ve tried to orgasm – on my own and with partners. I’ve read books, I’ve looked up info online, but there’s no manual designed just for me. Now I’m dating someone who’s willing to work with me, so I’m hopeful. He’ll ask, “?What do you like?’ I’ve always been preoccupied with making the guy feel good, and my automatic response used to be “?What do you like?’ But I’m learning how to honestly answer that question.”
Confess up
Haven’t had your fill of sex secrets just yet? Okay, then!
Check out these stats from our survey of 3 000 women.
Have you ever had a threesome?
16% Yes
84% No
Have you used sex toys?
53% Yes
47% No
Have you ever cheated on a partner?
39% Yes
61% No
Do you like to talk dirty in bed?
63% Yes
37% No
I sometimes read my wife’s copy of Cosmo. You would not believe the advice that are dished up to women! All of it aimed at making them “better”women. It is no wonder they (and we) are so confused and insecure when it comes to relationships.
Penile muscle fatigue?! – are you kidding me? 🙂
And there I thought it was all going to hinge on the “handle” aspect.
Chitty, Baby, Honey, Sweetie, the sad truth is you will only ever have as much sex as she wants to have (of course, whether you take ‘she’ as singular or as a collective is where you might make a distinction.. 🙂 )
For the Tenacious D fans out there: “Cock push ups?”
these magazines (like Cosmo) are dangerous. 🙂 they educate women how to torture men, and say little about how to make BOTH sides really happy.
The headline on this week’s “Nuts” magazine in the UK is:
“The UK’s Twenty best sets of Boobs” (or something similar. I didn’t buy a copy so I’m not sure)
“Penile muscle fatigue”? The only way you’ll get that is from too much w@nking!
Silly boy, if your hands were busy holding the magazine how on earth did you expect more sex?! 😉
IITQ: Your comment is a post all on its own. 🙂
“I want ice-cream”… he he… Tourette syndrome perhaps?
KN: Too much “handling” and it will become “unhinged”
Terri: Not fair that women hold the power in the bedroom. (sulks)
I am going to give that “collective” idea of yours some thought.
Beauty: Nice touch. I was not familiar with the lyrics of the song, so I had to google it. Very funny.
Europosh: Mens magazines do the same thing. If you read a mens and womens magazine side-by-side it is amazing how much their perspectives differ on the same subject/issues. It’s like they are waging a mini war.
Del: So, who has the best boobs in the UK… ha ha?
Too much wanking = chaffing
Lucy: I tried holding it with one hand, but found I could not turn the pages. Who needs “more sex than you can handle”? I just want enough to keep me occupied.
“more sex” doesn’t necessarily mean “good” sex in my book!! 🙂
True, Moni. But practise makes perfect, right?
haha… this post reminds me of an old boyfriend/three-month stand, every month he introduced something new to his repertoir and I would recognise it as something he’d read in that month’s FHM.