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Archive for January, 2007

In the mirror

LiesHave you ever tried to tell a friend/relative that they need to get their shit together and stop lying to themselves? You may as well shoot them, because they will pummel you with excuses and insults, the likes of which you have rarely seen.
We lie to the people around us everyday. I am no exception.
We tell them, “You look fantastic in that dress you are wearing”. That presentation they gave was “insightful”. Women tell their boyfriends/husband’s their penis is the largest they’ve ever seen. Guys tell their girlfriends they give really good head, when all they’d really like to do is smack them on the head and scream, “My dick is not a teething ring”
It does not matter that we call them white lies… all lies are essentially black, and let no-one tell you differently.
Sadly… no-one wants to know the truth and lies are the lubrication that makes the world go round.
The worst possible lies are the lies we tell to ourselves. The ones that make us feel good about ourselves. That allows us to have peace of mind. To make us seem better than we really are. Perhaps we are scared and refuse to acknowledge what we know all along. And it doesn’t matter what the lies do to us in the long run. We’re all pretty much so fucked up in the end that maybe these lies are what give our entire existence some fucking iota of hope….
People will lie to themselves about the most mundane things; from the way they look, to what that they are capable of, to what they do to others.
You deliberately hurt a friend/lover or say something nasty about them behind their back and then lie to yourself that it’s ok because, “They had it coming” or “I’m just being honest”.
Most people lie to themselves about how much alcohol they can consume. “I can handle my alcohol. This one last shot won’t hurt me.” And yet it does, because the last thing you remember is downing that Tequila Slammer and waking up naked in some stranger’s bed or puking your guts out in the bathroom. You’re not really fooling anyone, are you? Not even yourself.
Take driving. We confirm in our minds each and every day that we’re good drivers. Everyone else one the road is a complete and utter arse-hole. Where did they get their driver’s license from? I spend just over an hour in traffic to and from work everyday. I can confirm that that no one in the entire city of Johanesburg, myself excluded, uses their indicators when they turn. Never mind the fact that I tend to cut people off and will inevitably drive right up to someone’s rear bumper, so that they can move over and let me pass, because I am in a hurry. I AM A BETTER DRIVER! The amber traffic light as I approach the intersection…. please, I don’t have the time to slow down. I have a job to get to.
Relationships? Someone rejects us or does not love us back? “I am better off without the person who dumped me. He or she will amount to nothing without me.” You lie yourself that one day you will run into them, looking immaculate in your expensive suit, on your way to your high-class job and you will see them sifting through a dumpster. In that moment you will receive both recognition and vindication that you are better than him/her. What a fun fantasy to have, Truth is… it hurts to be dumped! It will hurt so much more when you run into them one day and they are in fact better off for leaving you. Face it… you were never a good girlfriend/boyfriend to begin with.
The only other thing more pathetic is when you convince yourself that the guy/girl you are crushing on “really likes me too”, followed by the lamest possible excuse about why you aren’t together. “So what if he/she hardly ever talks to me; he/she’s just shy”. Right on!
The workplace is home to some of the best lies. I look bad, because my boss is an asshole (and perhaps he is). I am irreplaceable. No one can do my job as well as I can. If I walk out of here today, the company will suffer. If I wanted to, I can walk into another job… just like that.
Have you ever seen someone trying to wing a speech or an oral presentation? “No big deal… I’m a natural. I KNOW my stuff. Everything will go smoothly”. Then he finally gets up on the podium, looks out over the audience, swallows hard, and mutters, “Ugh… ”. For the rest of the time he strings irrelevant facts and figures together, and even though he may not show it, he knows he fucked it up. Give it a rest already. You aren’t winging it… your wings have been clipped!
Probably the best lie that ever was… “Everything happens for a reason”. What exactly does that mean? People use this lie on others and on themselves. The only reason it seems vaguely plausible is because you can justify it in hindsight, and ONLY when things actually improve or become better.
It is hard to stop lying to yourself. Half the time you are not aware that you are doing it. But… if you must, and if it is the only thing that gets you through the day, only do it when you are alone… in your bed… and late at night. Never try to convince your friends that your lies are genuine in any way. They already think you are a raving lunatic, even though they’re just lying to themselves (and you) that you’re really not.

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Disclaimer: These are the incoherent rants of one S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y pissed-off wanker (namely me) and do not necesssarily reflect the views of the Academy of Idiots.Staple remover
With awards season upon us, I thought I’d get a head start and hand out two early awards in the category, “Fuck You!”.

    1. To the senior sales manager who said that he would get back to me on the proposal I pitched to him this morning, because he first wants to discuss it with his immediate boss… who is away on business. He may as well have said, “I want to butt-fuck you untill the cows come home”
    Here’s a question for you, mate. “Why did you agree to attend this meeting when you are not empowered and/or confident enough to make decisions on your own? Next time send your boss to the meeting and let him speak on your behalf. Perhaps then we’ll be able to get some work done”
    It took me days to put that proposal together. I spent an hour talking you through it in a presentation. Time, I might add, that I will NEVER get back again. We’ve spent MANY more hours, at your insistence, prior to this meeting going back and forth over every single detail, so it is not like I sprung this on you out of nowhere.
    Here, with my eternal gratitude, is your “Fuck You!” award. I strongly recommend that you stick it up your tailpipe.
    2. The next award goes to “girlfriend guy.”  This is a guy (and apparently, also a friend) who cannot make plans or decide on something unless he has consulted their girlfriend first. He will almost always speak in terms of their girlfriend, even when not prompted to.
    “Hey, dude, what’s up?”
    “Oh nothing much… I am just waiting on a phone call from my girlfriend”
    “You want to meet up later for a drink or two?”
    “I am not sure…  I have to see if my girlfriend’s made plans for us for the evening”
    Huh? I’m all for having an open and honest relationship with your girlfriend, but surely when you have to consult her on every little thing you do; you are talking things just a little too far?
    Has she no faith in you… at all? I bet she carries your balls around with her on a chain around her neck!
    Next time I introduce you to my friends, I’ll just go ahead and introduce your girlfriend too, even if she’s not around. “Hi guys, I’d like you all to meet [insert name]’s boyfriend. She could not be with us tonight, but sends her regards”
    What the hell are you supposed to say when someone says something like that?!  “Oh…cool… well, let me know when she gives you permission. In the meantime, I’ll just be over here waiting on her response”
    Friggin momma’s boy! I have no respect for a guy who left his manhood, self-worth and social skills in his girlfriend’s vagina.
    Here’s my award to you… “Fuck You!”

[CUE MUSIC]

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Going up!

end of the tunnelAs I stepped into the lift in Sandton Towers yesterday afternoon, I overhead part of the conversation between two young women (early twenties?):

Girl 1 (skinny blonde with revealing top): Listen to this… she claims that while she was on the operating table, she felt herself slipping away and was bathed in a beautiful white light, as though she was being hugged by it.

From what I could gather, they were talking about someone who claimed to have had a near-death/out-of-body experience. To me this was good enough reason to eavesdrop. And boy was it worth it.

Girl 2 (cute brunette, voice dripping with sarcasm): Her life… is SO the daytime drama! (eyes roll back) Bathed in a white light? That is like… so freaky.
Girl 1: I know. Can you believe it? She says it was so bright it lit up the whole room.
Girl 2: I don’t want to be nasty or anything, but if there was a light, I’d have expected it to be a RED light … seeing as how she’s going straight to hell.
[A moment’s silence]
Girl 1: You are a hater aren’t you?
Girl 2: You said it, girl. 

Just then the lift stopped on my floor and I had to get off. Thank God! I thought my head was about to explode. 

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Keep Quiet!I am my worst enemy. I remind myself of it every opportunity I get… like I did this morning.
One of the nastiest communication mistakes you can make is when you use call-waiting on your phone and mix up who you are talking to. You know, when you put someone on hold and think you are talking to the second caller, but you are actually not.

Me: Peter, hold on for a second please. I have Rob on hold on the other line.
Peter: Ok. Can you be quick about it; I have to get back to work. [And I don’t?]
Me: Sorry to keep you waiting, mate. I was talking to Peter. The guy is a mess. I am not in the mood for his shit right now.
Peter: Uhhhh… [K]… What do you mean I’m a mess?

[Stunned silence]
And just like that you miss that crucial two second window in which to say something witty or joke about the mistake you’ve just made. Instead you blurt out something like, “Oh shit… Peter… buddy… is that you? [Yeah genius… who else would he be?]
If there is such a thing as stabbing yourself with a blunt knife in call waiting, that would be it… right there. No questions asked.
I have some grovelling to do.

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Déjà vu

Pants downYou know what I hate about running into somebody from the old neighbourhood? They always want to talk about the good old days.
Don’t get me wrong. I like reminiscing about the past as much as anyone. It is even better when there’s a bottle or two of red wine involved.
Life was a whole lot of fun back then. I just don’t want to go all ape-shit about it. At some point it just gets tired, don’t you agree?
I get particularly annoyed(?) when they start asking me if I still remember certain people or events. What a tall order that is to fill!
I am lucky if I remember who I was and what I was up to back then. Important personal events will stand out, but most of the years between 16 and 25 are a blur … they really are! There are just so many of them to remember. It must be a defence mechanism to shield me from major trauma.
They’ll get all excited and drool and say things like, “Ooh, do you remember so-and-so, or do you remember when you [and they relate some freaky high school/varsity incident you were involved in]?”
And when you don’t remember, they seem disappointed and try and jog your memory by talking about all sorts of related events. It’s like being caught with your pants down and having a hundred flashlights go off in your face in quick succession, all at the same time .
The person they are talking about is probably someone you have never met, have probably never seen, and will never care about! I really don’t care about the teacher who taught us English or the hot chicks who got your pecker standing to attention.
Here’s a hint: If I can’t remember, then it probably was not all that important to me. You and I probably did not move in the same circles or hang out in the same crowd. It could also be that the alcohol-related incidents have taken its toll.
No prizes for guessing that I ran into an old “friend” over the weekend. It was fun for the most part, but just to be sure, I am having Memory lane removed from the map of my life.

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Cinematic lunacy

The DepartedI went to the cinema last night to watch, The Departed. I know it has been on the circuit for a while, but I was busy towards the end of last year, so bear with me.
I normally don’t gush like a Catholic schoolgirl when I speak about a movie, but this one fucking deserves it. And if you don’t believe me, go and see it, but call me afterwards so that we can have ourselves a gush-a-thon.
This, despite the fact that Leo di Caprio totally outshines Matt Damon in the acting department. Matt’s (apologies to his fans) acting is akin to throwing a broken chair into an empty room. He has about as much on-screen charisma as a boiled chicken breast served on a Provita.
Martin Scorsese deserves each and every blowjob he is getting from the critics for making this film. May he come in Oscars! I am even in agreement with that infuriating South African critic, Barry Ronge.
Usually it is a case of “Who died and made him a film critic?” Judging by his size, it had to be the friggin fat lady?
Anyway, I don’t do reviews so that is all I have to say on the movie. No spoilers here.
Moving on…
Have you noticed how the number of movie previews you have to sit through are so many that you sometimes forget which movie you went to see? It could just be the ADD, but I doubt it very much.
It bothers me is that sometimes the previews are so good that I am almost disappointed when the actual movie starts. All the action and seduction money can buy blasted at you in a matter of minutes.
It is a good thing that the previews are shown a few months in advance: it is to stop people like me from changing theatres right there and then. It also ensures that I won’t remember that some of the previews were so bad that I wanted to hurl popcorn at the screen and promised myself NEVER to see the movie.
On top of it all there’s that voice-over guy with the seductively compelling voice. He makes every movie seem like it is the best movie ever made. He says it before you can think it and even when you are thinking it, it just sounds so much better when he says it.
Ok… scrap the part about his voice being seductively compelling (or is it compellingly seductive?). It is not the kind of think one guy says about another guy’s voice. [Shiver]
I went to the cinema with a girlfriend once. During the previews she commented on the voice-over guy and said that if a guy should speak her that seductively, she’d do him in a heartbeat.
“Oh really”, I said, in my best voice imitation. She elbowed me in the ribs.
Screw the voice-over guy!

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Yes, dear

Remind me!Family!
You gotta love them, because you sure as hell won’t understand them.
My sister (and a few other people I know) has the annoying habit of asking me for a favour by saying things like “Don’t let me forget to… ” or “Remind me to… ”.
I find it all rather amusing. She thinks she may forget something so she passes the responsibility on to me… someone who has even less capacity to remember things? How does that work exactly?
The thing that immediately comes to mind is, if it is not important enough for you to remember, what makes you think that I will? I usually just nod my head and say, “Mmm’… and put it right away into file 13.
It is not even a case of whether I can remember, but whether I have the spare capacity to remember what is important to other people.
I am lucky if I remember what I had for breakfast or where I left my car keys.
The worst is that when I forget to remind her, she will have a minor kanipschin and say things like, “but you were supposed to remind me”. Yeah right. That ranks rights up there with “the dog at my homework”
Take yesterday for instance… I was supposed to remind her of something she had to do and naturally I forgot. The outcome: I am so unreliable.
Put a reminder on your cell phone, woman! It is by far more dependable than I am!
What my dear sister does not seem to realise is that I am just your average male. Between remembering to do my job, the vivid sexual fantasies, and deciding what I am going to have for lunch, there ain’t much room for anything else. My noggin is like my pc… it is always running on empty.
And even if I had the extra capacity, there are a number of personal things I’d much rather store in there. I certainly would not rent it out to a family remember.
That reminds me – I have to remember not to forget to buy groceries on the way home from work. Huh? On second thought… where’s my damn cell phone?

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