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Archive for December, 2006

Mai TaiThis will probably be my last post for 2006.
Come Friday, I am off to the coast for two weeks of well-deserved rest. That’s the beauty of living in the southern Hemisphere… you get to experience Christmas holidays at the height of summer. Yeah baby!
I am not sure how much rest I am going to get or whether I actually want to get rest in the traditional sense of the word. What I do know is that I need a break from work and the responsibilities and that is exactly what I aim to do.
There will be many parties to go to, many days of just lying around and soaking up the sun, surfing, swimming, late nights, alcohol binges aplenty, but mostly I’ll be doing new things and getting my freak on. Of course there will be many ChitSter-moments (you can bet your arse on it!) to be had, but that is all part and parcel of what makes me ME.
I tell you… letting your hair down can be downright exhausting!
I doubt I will be doing any blogging in this time, but I will see you back here in 2007 and I hope that it will be a good year for all of us. Let me wish all of you a Happy Holiday. Have a great New Years, whether you choose to spend it with your families and your loved ones or whether you are just breaking away and doing something on your own.
Thank you everyone for your interactions, for reading my little ol’ blog and for your comments. 2006 has been a great year, I think, and despite the many ups and downs, I am a better person for it. We all are.
Take care and continue to rock the planet!

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walk away(A one-dimensional perspective)
A recently single mate asked me what I would do if [S] and I were to end our relationship.
“I’d probably sleep with the first woman who is remotely interested in me. You know… just to make sure I still got it”, I said. He wasn’t convinced and neither was I, but it seemed plausible at the time.
In all honesty I did not know what to say to him. The thought had not crossed my mind in the past 3 years. Perhaps that could be seen as a sign of how solid our relationship is (mine and [S], not the mate). Although… I bet many a jilted lover had that exact thought right before he got dumped.
The whole concept of dating is enough to make a panic-sweat pop out on my forehead. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart.
I’m not a very good dater, or I don’t think I am. It is not that I am not confident (funny, witty, charming… should I go on?) enough to speak to women or that they aren’t interested in me. It is just not on my to-do list of the things I’d rather be doing with my life.
Dating is kinda like hunting season, isn’t it? Only it happens all year round and you use yourself as the bait. It is a cat and mouse game, fuelled by emotions, lust and insecurities.
Is she into me? Am I into her? Is she “I want to see more of you” material or just plain I don’t want to see you again? Did I make good conversation? Did I come across as too needy? Do I like her enough to make a commitment or do I just want hearty shag with no strings attached? Is that what she wants from me? How much wit and charm is it going to take for me to get beyond second base?
Then there is that awkward period between when you realise you might like to take your clothes off for the other person and the moment that you actually do it. It is enough to make you want to crawl into a dark hole and never surface again.
Of course when you are single, your friends will inevitably try and set you up with someone they think is just perfect for you. In many cases it is easier to let the “date” down than the friend who set things up in the first place. (Aside: if one of my friends ever tries to set me up on a date, I will rain “the hurt” on them the likes of which they have never seen)
The ONE thing I truly hate about dating is when a woman with whom you’ve been on a couple of dates with suddenly gives you the garden-variety: “You are a nice guy and I really like your company, but let’s just be friends” speech. What the fuck is up with that? Why get his hopes up and then drop him like hot potato. I know a lot of you out there have heard this speech at one time or another.
If a woman is not interested in a guy, she should tell him the truth. Straight up! She should not add the words, “let’s be friends”. It is worse than a fucking death sentence and you may as well kick the guy in the nuts and be done with it. A guy can deal with all-out rejection, but no one likes pity.
If you want a friendship to develop, let it happen naturally. No one has ever walked up to another person and said, “Hello, I’d like to be your friend”… have they? So why should this be any different.
H-O-W-E-V-E-R!!
If this were to happen to me, I’d honestly tell her to “FUCK OFF”.
Why should I be polite and pretend I am ok with it? I have friends. In fact, I have many great friends. They are there for me when I need them and they will stand by me no matter what. I don’t need the girl I am interested in pretending that she wants to be my friend. No matter how desperate and pathetic I may seem, I don’t want it. When I want a friend, I do not take them to expensive restaurants and spend insane amounts of money on them. If it is a free meal she’s after… I know of a soup-kitchen in my neighbourhood.
The only thing my friends cannot do for me is take my clothes off and manoeuvre my penis in such a manner that it will make me want to speak in tongues. Well… not exactly tongues, but at least in mono-syllables… with a fair amount of heavy breathing. Now that is the kind of friendship I hope to have with the girl I am dating!
If it is not on the agenda, let me know by the end of the first date. It is all cool as long as she does not throw me the “friendship” life-line. Let’s part ways and not plan to see one another again. 
I’d off course hope that she has short and miserable life, but that would just be me and my penis talking.

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Killjoy was here

deadly gift(On the bandwagon)
I am sure that when the Three Wise Men brought gifts to the Baby Jesus, it was not their intention to kick-start a trend that would many years later define what Christmas is all about.
The whole giving-and-receiving ritual: cringe.
I had just spent an e-n-t-i-r-e weekend with the girlfriend doing my bit for consumerism and buying gifts for people I deem worthy enough to get a chunk of my hard-earned income. It was akin to walking through hell and pissing on the devil!
It is not that I begrudge the money I am spending, I resent that being generous and showing affection has become such a major fucking chore. If this is the season to be jolly, then why aren’t I feeling any of it?
When you exchange gifts with someone, it becomes a bit of a cat-and-mouse game. You feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you. You also feel bad if it’s the other way around… so there is really no winning, is there?
“Wow, a brand new camera! Gee … thanks … all I got you was box of chocolates”
The old cliché of “it’s the thought that counts” is just that… an old cliché. The decision on what to buy is also based on what people gave you in the past. That bag of chips you gave me last year… well… right back at you buddy!
You budget carefully just how much you are willing to spend on each person, which basically means putting a price on how much you care about them. Erm… how much Mom’s love is worth? Five hundred bucks? A thousand, perhaps? More? Ooh… I do so dislike so dislike cousin Vicky…. is 20 bucks too much?
One of the few good reasons to stay away from romance is the agonising over what to get your partner. This can be particularly agonising when this is your first Christmas together. Let’s not forget that you’ll also be setting the tone for Christmases to come. If I go all out this year, how do I top it next year?
Of course she will say, “You really shouldn’t have. I am just happy that we can spend Christmas together.” That… right there… is the biggest load of crap!
Thank God I am not in a new relationship! Not that it gets any easier as the years go by.

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Office comedy

Office flirtShe (coffee mug in hand): There’s something different about you today…
Me (confused): There is?
She: I know… you cut your hair!
Me: No, I did not.
She: Are you sure?
Me: WTF?? Seriously… I think I would know.
Silence
Me (serious): You like me don’t you?
She: No, I don’t.
Me: Are you sure?
She: Seriously… I think I would know.
Me (giggles and chants): You like me, you like me…
She (horrified): You are full of shit, [K]!

Sometimes it is all too easy!

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Dial L for love

Dial L-O-V-E for loveLong distance relationships are very confusing me. It is not that I don’t believe they can work; I’m just skeptical about how worthwhile they are.
To me a long distance relationship is the equivalent of signing up for a 12 month contract of dirty weekends (if you are lucky!) and even dirtier phone-sex. The only thing is… I keep waiting for the part where they say, “But wait, there’s more…!”
Let’s be serious, unless the person you have having the relationship with is a spouse or a fiancée and you know for a fact that the separation won’t last for longer than a year, what do you really have to show for it? A horrific phone bill, an obsession with e-mails, jealousy and feelings of loss and abandonment?
If you are lucky can afford it, let’s throw in a healthy balance of frequent flier miles, just for good measure.
Not only is it difficult because you can’t see or talk to your partner as frequently as you would like to, but most everyone you meet will have a horror story about how a long-distance relationship did not work for them. In my mind all of this can really cast a sinister spell over “the crazy little thing called love”.
The MOST confusing thing about a long distance relationship is what you talk about on the phone every night.
Phone-sex is all good and well—but how many times can get down and dirty with the receiver while literally taking matters in your own hands. How good do you really feel at the end of it? I bet the words forlorn and empty come to mind.
And who is to say your partner is not just faking it. She could be painting her nails while talking to you and you could be watching WWE RAW on the sports channel. That enthusiastic “Oh yes!” she heard was merely because John Cena FU-slammed “The Edge” or “The Game” or whatever the name is. Boo-ya!!
On the occasions you are not having phone-sex, what else do you really talk about? I’d run out of meaningful things to say by the end of the first friggin week.  It is tough having a conversation about things you have experienced when the person on the other side was not there to share them with you.
“Hey hon, how was your day?”
“Oh, it was great! I attended a few meetings, e-mailed a few people, sent off a couple of faxes and spoke to a few clients. When I got home, I did the laundry, cleaned the oven and re-arranged my wardrobe” Riveting stuff.
“Did I mention that I’ve been thinking about you all day”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah… erm… How’s the weather?”
Unless you are both ok with it, you can’t exactly tell your partner about the amazing people of the opposite sex you have met and that you intend going out for drinks with them later on. On the other hand, staying home/indoors night after night is plain ridiculous. It may have worked for Rapunzel, but she channelled all her energy and frustration into growing her hair. And boy… did she ever grow that hair!
When you do go out, you had better take your phone with you, because you can expect at least half dozen phone calls during the evening. It is not that she does not trust you… well let’s be honest, she doesn’t. Why else would she be calling?
Webcamming (if you are kinky enough) and instant messaging can work really well, if you are into that kind of thing, but it could get messy. I have enough trouble as it is typing with both hands… one hand will be an outright disaster!
Ok… I am going off topic. Back to the telephone conversations. When you run out of things to say, you could play the “No, you hang up first” game for an hour or so… but that will hardly keep the passion going
I don’t know about you, but I prefer my partner close by… within driving distance. Relationships are complicated and I have enough trouble as it is keeping the current one from going veering off the rails.
Who am I kidding? It’s all about, shared experiences, physical contact and sex for me. Well, perhaps not… but I do like things to be simple and uncomplicated.

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In my humble opinion

ThetanI have wide and varied opinions on many things in life. Most of which could be considered arbitrary and of little use to anyone else but me. I have on occasion heard people use my name and the words “a fountain of useless knowledge” in the same sentence. Normally something like this would irk me, but as Art Blakey famously lamented, “Opinions are like assholes… everyone’s got one” and thus they are welcome to their opinions.
So in that same spirit let me fire away with an opinion of my own. In case you are wondering how I got onto this particular subject; a buddy and I had the good fortune of running into a Scientologist at a wedding reception over the weekend. While I normally have a high tolerance for people and their beliefs, the whole conversation kind of rubbed me up the wrong way. Due to my lack of knowledge on the subject and because I firmly believe alcohol and religion are a problematic mix, I told him to fuck off and to harass someone who cares.
It is not exactly what I would call a convincing argument, but then I could easily have fallen back on the clichés and simply poked fun at the Cruise Missile. Some topics have the slogan “alcohol-induced revelry” written all over them, don’t you agree?  But I did not, which in itself speaks volumes to my ability of exercising self–restraint.
I don’t particularly like Scientologists, yet to be fair; I don’t dislike them more than any other religion that I know of. For one thing I do not know nearly enough about them and their religion to have a meaningful opinion.
Most everything I know about Scientology comes from people and publications who oppose the religion. It is like having a Christian talk to you about Islam – it is non-factual, rife with bias and definitely not a reliable source.
Some of the biggest celebrity nut-jobs on the face of the planet, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Isaac Hayes, are Scientologists, and some would say that is reason enough not to take Scientology seriously. (Yeah… no male between the ages of 25 and 35 will ever forgive Tom impregnating” little Joey” and marrying her)
From the little that I know and having given it some measure of sober thought, which in itself is akin to giving yourself a frontal lobe lobotomy, Scientology, for want of a better word, makes No or very little sense to me. I am more likely to endure the teachings of Christianity or Buddhism or Hinduism.
At least the Christians have that whole Triumvirate… erm… I mean, Holy Trinity thing going for them. The Buddhists have teaching of Buddha and the Four Noble Truths. Hell, even the Hindus are better off. They have the supreme cosmic spirit Brahman who in its many forms is represented by the individual deities Vishnu, Shiva and Shakti
And the Scientologists? Well, they have L. Ron Hubbard. And as much as I try to, it is hard to elevate him to the same level as the other deities.
They do have that whole Thetan ideology going as well, but somehow it seems more Sci-fi than divine. Scientology is desperately in need of some divine grace to give it a wholesome dose of credibility/essence, don’t you agree?

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