I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth. (~Ovid’s Metamorphosis, Book 14, lines 131-153 as paraphrased by Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd)
Two posts in three weeks! Does not bode well for the blog, does it? In spite of it being spring, I’ve been kinda(?) lazy as well as low on inspiration and will power.
The birthday was last week Friday and hence the quote. Of course it coincided with the start of the Rugby World Cup which culminated in a drunken debauchery of epic proportions. The less I say… the better. And the less I have to force myself to remember.
If there is one thing that drives me insane, it is when married friends have a joint email address and they don’t tell you about it!
I sent an e-mail to a married friend a couple of days ago to bring him up to speed on a few intimate details of my life. We’ve been best mates since primary school.
Imagine my surprise when he called back a day later and not only shared with me his view on some of the issues raised, but also that of his wife.
“You told your wife what I wrote in the e-mail?”, I asked.
“No. We have a joint e-mail account and she read it when she checked the account for messages”
I felt like he had just slapped me! Why would she read an e-mail when it was not addressed to her? And even after she had opened it, why did she not close it when she realised that it was of a personal nature? I don’t want him to put me before his wife, just my right to privacy.
Now I know some people see this whole “there is no secrets between us” as a gesture of their undying love and commitment, especially when they are newly married. But does sharing necessarily mean you have to include your friend’s secrets?
To me personally it screams of a lack of individuality and some form of over-possessiveness. Being in a relationship (marriage) does require that you share some details of your life with someone else, but does it have to be every detail?
Right at the heart of the matter, is the fact that my mate did not tell me that the e-mail addy was for a joint account. It is a big deal to me and although I am not going to launch a formal protest… but I don’t like it one bit. Not one bit!
To me it is akin to pillow talk. Laying there, completely relaxed with someone you’re starting to trust entirely (or just had sex with), it’s easy to find yourself passing on secret hopes and fears… as well as the secrets of your friends that they would prefer kept hidden.
Personal, embarrassing, humiliating or harmful secrets about your bros are best kept between the two of you. In revealing these, you’re trusting someone else equally or perhaps more than your closest friend. And perhaps you do.
It’s however doubtful that he’d be happy if I aired his dirty laundry to his wife, nor would I tell my girlfriend’s secrets to him.
People!
I see your delema, and knowing you as I do… it must have been one hell of an interrestng email. I know it’s going a step to far (possibly) but I dot understand why people even get married in this day and age… life’s too short to spend it with one person
Did you get your proper lunch?
Happy belated B-day. You should’ve told us in advance. Bliksem!
I hate the shared e-mail thing too. It is intended to show trust and commitment, but instead you find yourself fighting the desire (human frailty) to open one of his/her e-mails. Especially when it comes form a best friend, mother-in-law, someone of the opposite sex you have not met, etc.
He should have made you aware that his wife uses the same inbox… just the decent thing to do.
Happy Birthday! Come on, we all want to hear about the details you’re not telling
Regarding the email that is definitely not on. I would feel very uncomfortable if one of my couply/married friends did that and didn’t tell me before I sent an email like that.
However at the end of the day I have resigned myself to the fact that they probably are discussing the finer, and amusing, details of my life with each other but if that is all they have to talk about then go ahead and I’ll feel sorry for them
Perhaps chitty for future reference just tell them that you’re not comfortable with them discussing your life with their significant other – usually once that has been said they don’t but without that statement things tend to be open game!
What’s with this loss of individuality when married?
On your favourite social networking platform, Facebook, it grates me how people put up pictures of them and their significant other as their profile picture.
There is that cheesy line, “You complete me.” Good grief, I take issue with that. If anyone ever says that to me I’d run for the hills. Which would you rather have – someone who doesn’t need you but chooses you, or someone who is using you to fill a hole?
Regarding the email, very uncool. Which is why I have a general rule that nothing related to feelings and emotion get shared by email. Not through having had details shared, but more because things in emails lack body language, etc. How many times do written words take on an unintended tone? So, I’ll apply this to feelings emotion and personal details too.
Tripeak: It was a helluvah interesting e-mail. All about my sordid past and how it is coming back to haunt me… hehe.
Life’s too short to be with one person? You want it all, don’t you Tripeak? Bring it on, bru!
Bric: I did, and it was not a take-out meal either. Went to a proper restaurant and ate until I felt they should call for the paramedics and the wheelchair.
IB: Yeah, curiosity is a dangerous thing. And if you are anything like me, you will know that it is hard to pass up an opportunity, no matter how small. Not that I am malicious, but knowledge is power.
Miss M: I am still getting flashbacks and find myself grabbing hold of my head and shaking it as if I could stop the “visions” from coming. It was a wild party (if you could call it that). On the plus side I got home in one piece with ALL my clothes on. How I got home….well, that is something I am still trying to figure out.
IITQ: If anyone ever told me that I complete them, I would commit ritual suicide.
Individuality is sometimes hard to maintain in a relationship, but it is absolutely vital that you do so. A fair amount of inter-dependence is ok, but when it becomes downright needy… it is time to move on and hide the salami somewhere else.
I hate it when after a wild nite out I suffer from memory loss, especially when everyone else can recall perfectly what I got up to.
A shared e-mail addy is looking for trouble where it does not exist. Relationships are complicated enough without the other person knowing EVERY detail of your life and that of your friends. It can only lead to resentment.
I never suffer from memory loss, that is my problem. I suffer from the same thing Chitty does where the next morning I attempt to black it out and on the morning commute I suddenly start cringing as I see what I was doing. hehehe
Chitty – least you make it home in one piece with your clothes on, sometimes I don’t
Or my housemate who discovered that she took a nap in the bushes on the walk home the other week and doesn’t remember for how long. hahahaha
Happy Belated B’day greetings from me!! I want to know what ‘intimate’ things you shared with your friend (and his wife). I mean if she knows, I don’t see why we can’t, your business is already out there
[...] I was inspired to write this post by Chitty’s latest blog entry. Very early on during my stay in France, I met a really nice guy, who I would [...]
Guido: Think of it this way… someone has to provide the entertainment. It just happens to be you!
Miss M: I feel asleep on the doorstep once (years ago) after a particularly boozy party. I was still staying with the parents at the time. Mom was not happy especially as it was Sunday morning when they found me there.
Sugar: HAHA… there is a difference between intentionally exposing yourself and unintentionally exposing yourself. Just ask Janet Jackson.
Yeah… I’m chicken… lol.
Chitty, Happy belated Birthday! It’s true that nothing is sacred anymore! When I think of joint email accounts, I instantly think of the game pacman, as if the other significant one were chewing the last bit of individuality you could have left. Married does not mean share your friend’s secrets! (haha I was more inclined to say “sordid life”)
Ah, happy belated birthday mister! I’d like to see that evening out caught on tape! =) As for joint emails – huge pet peeve. I was just thinking of that within the past few days and how I hate it. Accounts are free, geez~
Dear new writer to me! Happy Birthday, wayyyyyyyyyyy belated!!
What a dishonorable, or at the very least, insensitive situation. I empathize.
Experience can be a cruel teacher, so how do we/I dicern when I have a true confidente-much less an elusive up to now, lover who won’t “kiss and tell”?? – I find I say a lot of words meaning not much if I am concerned about this. I used to think I had good judgement into personal ethics, but simple things do matter.
Anyways, Much in the line of greetings from Katrinaland. I was seeking the exact words and my mind could not just find that illusive, “slip of a tongue’ effect of “where is THAT quote from my schooling” in watching Matt Damon in “The Good Shephard” – (intriging movie, my padre- was ex- “Information gathering” and was NOT debriefed after war….but, I again, trip aside your writings….pardon me! )
My memory is elusive.
Is this small lovely group exclusive? (IF there is such a thing on the WWW?)
An american girl- Divaubernadamoi!
Pax
and btw, I remember teaching a little art student who remind me in another way, of one step at a time with this retort- “Miss Angel! (My assigned by friends name) How do you eat an elephant? I responded, “I don’t know, how” and the tiny giggling little girl of 2nd year in school in a very very dangerous area of a city responded with “One bite at a time….!!”
Such wisdom in a child’s elephant joke.
I have tried to learn to listen much better.