Like licking honey off a thorn

Feminism, self-identity, and professional identity are some of the reasons why many married women decide to keep their maiden name. In addition to the option of keeping their maiden name, women are also hyphenating by combining their maiden name with their husband’s surname. Sometimes the new combination is even passed down to the couple’s children. It can be downright confusing.
The fundamental rationale for women changing their names upon marriage is based on the idea that in marriage, a woman subsumes her identity (I should be arrested for making that statement) under her husband’s. For many women this contradicts a principle to which they are truly committed, the equality of partners in a marriage.
Personally I am neither for nor against it. Call me ignorant if you like, and perhaps it is because I am a man, I just don’t see why it is that important and whether it makes a real difference. All I ask for is that you don’t wave it around like a banner at a political rally. It is the same with guys who have names like, Simon Edcott III or who name their penises.
If you need to ride the coat tails of your family name to make a statement or get somewhere in life, then what does it say about you personally?
Calling yourself Ms. used to be a feminist standard. It declared who you were: a liberal, a supporter of women’s rights, an independent thinker, a working woman, an admirer of Gloria Steinem. Now it has become an almost quaint moniker.
You are probably asking yourself why I chose to blog about this when by my admission it means so little to me.
Well, I was attending a reception on Friday night when I was introduced to a married couple. His name was Steve Jones* and she went by the name of Jennifer Smith*.
I found this very unusual, so I politely inquired why this is so.
The husband kept quiet. I guess he was just tired of being asked the same question. The wife however launched into a lengthy discussion on women’s rights and why she chose to retain her maiden name. She cited all of the aforementioned reasons. From being equal partners to how odd it is that men aren’t expected to change their names to her self-identity. I expected her to break into a rendition of “We shall overcome” at any minute.
I was slightly taken aback, if not surprised by her “passion”. It just seemed that she was making too much of an issue in answering a simple question. A simple “I chose to keep my maiden name for professional reasons” would have satisfied my curiosity. After all, I was just trying to make polite conversation.
Unbeknownst to both of us a young black man was listening intently to our (or rather her) conversation. When she was done speaking, he interrupted and said.
“If I understand you correctly… you chose not to take your husband’s surname as a means of asserting your equality and your independence as a modern woman.
“You could put it that way…yes”, she said.
“So you decided to take another man’s name instead?”
“I think you may have misunderstood. Smith* is my maiden name”
“But you maiden name is really your father’s name, is it not?”
[silence]
I politely excused myself and walked away. The guy may no have been very original (I’ve actually heard this used before), but damn he was spot on with that comment!
(* not their real names)